Hiya,

I had to start a new post cos it was getting too hard to go thru.

How are you? Hows your summer?I hope better than here,just rains and rains. If you ever come to England I would recommend the countryside as its beautiful. London's great but its just the same as every other urban city in the world.

My CD4 dropped to 433 so I am a little bit worried cos it was 584 before. My viral load is still ok only 62. I go back again in 3 months so I'll see how I am then.

Sunny and I are just going to be friends for the timebeing as we argue alot and do not agree on anything. He is still working towards us being together again, but as a person I am very impatient and quite needy so I think I need a break before I drive him away completely.

Do let me know how your trials go. Its fascinating. I think I would be too scared of the implications of trying a new Anti-HIV drug. I mean I am hoping to leave it as long as possible before I have to taking them for real. Not just cos of the side effects but also cos then I will know that HIV is a part of my life and at the moment its not as such, I just go about my day to day and it doesn't effect me- except for hospital appointmnets which mean I get out of work so its not all bad.

Anyway,

speak soon

Angie x

Hey,

I'm sorry your summer's not going as great as it might, weather and beyond. I'm sorry your CD4 count dropped, although that's still not terribly low, right? I'm sure I said it before, but your attitude on everything is fantastic. I'm a naturally anxious person even when things seem okay, so I would love to have a more take-charge, calm attitude like you have. I know you said you can be needy and impatient, but we all have needs and can lose patience with our circumstances, and you seem to be holding things together and living your life pretty well. As simple as it is to say, not everybody can do that. And I sympathize with the situation with Sunny, but really, your relationship doesn't exist on a distinct level, it's a continuum. If you take a little space to clear your heads, that doesn't mean anything less, it's just something you're doing for yourselves and ultimately each other. You've changed your situation, and adapting to big changes can cause friction between anyone. I hope you and Sunny work out your troubles soon, though. The important thing, I think, is to look beyond the fights and the disagreements and see what you have in common and what you have together. Not always easy; it might be the hardest part of a relationship, but that's the thing to remember, in my mind, anyway. In a word, it's weird with my boyfriend gone. It's a different dynamic now, as I expected it would be. It'll be a little while yet before I see him again (a few weeks), but we're trying to adapt to this type of relationship in the meantime.

By the way, http://content.nejm.org/cgi/collection/hivaids has a section on HIV (obviously) if you're up for reading, and I notice a few articles on HIV in India. There's also an interesting article on the hospital outbreak and subsequent trial in Libya, which is just crazy no matter who is at fault. It shows how far we have to go in certain places, but there are plenty of articles on that site that show just how much progress has been made at the forefront. Sorry if I sound like a broken record on this stuff :)

At the moment, all the clinical trials I'm seeing are year-long, which has me hesitant because I'd hate to leave in the middle of the study if I move. But I'm thinking that worst comes to worst, I leave in the middle and I'm counted as a patient whose results are anecdotal or dropped from analysis.

Really, I'd like to come to England; I've heard such great things. I know plenty of people who studied abroad and raved about London, but only a few bothered checking out the countryside (though they've said it's well worth it). What parts do you recommend?

Be well, and always my best, -TL

Hiya,

Just though I'd drop you a line. Not really a lot going on. Sunny has changed his medication- he was on Truvada and Sustiva before. But he was growing boobs and tired all the time so they have changed his medication. I cannot remember but he's got 3 different drugs now and I know that 2 of them are protease inhibitors. At the moment he seems fine, he just had a blood test and will get the results in a couple of weeks to see how they are affecting the HIV, but I hope it will be ok. He also has to take antibiotics for the lumps in his chest now.

He is moving back to London next year which is great! I like having my own space actually, so there is no rush.I need to get out of debt first and then learn to drive and save up some money cos I dont know when he will be ready to or if even he will be ready to go back to work, so I'll need enough money for the both of us. I am also looking into financial and housing support with couples who are HIV+ but its just finding the time to ring people. Maybe I should speak to my doctor when I see him again.

Devon is beautiful, as is Wales and Ireland is just breathtaking. Scotland is amazing with the mountains and the snow. Oh wow! I have decided that I want to go travelling. I need to live before I die (whenever that may be) I have also decided that I am bored of admin I want to do something that changes the world. I want the world to remember me! And I want to help other people. Maybe I could help in Africa or India with AIDS Crisis (ohmygosh, when I was younger I used to have such a selfish attitude thinking it would never affect me, but look at that, it totally did, serves me right I guess! I dont mean that!)

I did have dreams of being a scientist who found the cure for AIDS, of getting all the homeless and druggies off the streets, off drugs, in homes and in work, of making a car that didn't pollute the environment, of running my own successful marketing business and still having an amazing and interesting social life all while being totally and utterly in a happy relationship full of love. I think I got lazy or greedy I am not sure. I believe education is a great thing and can change the world, but only if what we are educated we listen to and implement.

Well, I hope that all is well with you and yours.

Catch ya later x

Sorry I've been slow to respond. I was on a longer-than-expected but last-minute cruise vacation in the Caribbean (Puerto Rico, Saint Martin, and Haiti) with my family, and it was probably the most relaxing vacation I've ever had, at least since I've started working. Perfect weather, tons of food, and always something to do. (Though I do still definitely want to see the charm of Europe!) It was a rude awakening to come back, though. Now I'm getting ready for a bio class I'm taking soon. Truth be told, I feel pretty bad that I did not take many science courses in school, because I would love to be much more knowledgeable about it. It's a small step, but to quote Lao Tsu, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I think that can apply to your dream of healing the world. Nobody builds the perfect eco-friendly car overnight or cures any disease in a day. Sure, it's easy to feel stuck in having to get out of debt, learn to drive and all that, but it's all just steps in the direction you want to go so long as you concentrate on that direction and don't give up!

Joining a humanitarian group would be a great idea. That would be a wonderful way to accomplish a lot of the things you want to do, all at once. I was looking at Doctors Without Borders as a similar possibility, although they have some prerequisites that would exclude most non-professionals in the medical field, at least as far as non-office jobs go. On the other hand, perhaps an office job for something like that would lead to field opportunities? Then again, you said you were tired of administration. How long have you been in that business?

And I'm glad to hear Sunny will be moving back eventually. Living on your own has its perks, for sure, but it's ultimately something I want to give up. It sounds like you're getting the best of both worlds, in a way, enjoying autonomy for now but then getting to be with Sunny again. Like I said, it's all about taking the steps towards what you want, even if it seems like progress is imperceptible.

Right now, my boyfriend is starting the fall semester, and it's still hard to tell what's going to happen. He does want to stick with it, but he has alternatively felt extremely positive and extremely negative about it, so I am waiting to see how things shake out. I need to try to save up to buy a car, in the meantime, and try to learn some more skills so I can get another job so I can move. Part of me would want to fast-forward to the point where all the confusion and uncertainty are over and things are settled, but of course nothing is completely stable and I really do want to live every moment. If nothing else, that's what the movie "Click" got right. That and David Hasslehoff was funny. :)

Anyway, I hope you're well and feeling well, and write back soon! You're in my thoughts and prayers (as usual)! -TL

Hello,

I am so sorry. Its been too long. How was your cruise? Where did you go? Oh, I bet it was lovely.

Not been upto much. See we have a binje drinking culture here, and I dont drink during the week, but at the weekends, I go crazy. I know I am not doing my liver or my immune system any favours, so I am trying to cut down. I have been exercising really well and as well as the health benefits its also nice to see under all the fat there is something nice in there sumwhere! I have started taking a vitamin supplement for my immune system.

Sunny is on the up. His cd4 is 370 and his viral load is undetectable as usual. But he doesn't feel weak and tired any more and his brain is working properly (before he would get confused so easily) and he has his hunger and libido back. I think before he was ready to give up, but now that he can see and feel that its not taking over his life, I think he feels better.

Tell me about you? Is it coming upto thanksgiving there?

How did you get into what you do?

Now I'm the one who has to apologize for the length of time here... things have been hectic and frustrating. My boyfriend really doesn't like the grad school program and is trying to get out of it. He's really struggling, so it's stressing out us both. It's not making my life (and work) any less anxiety-inducing, and I've just felt like sleeping most of the time lately. It's not the end of the world, I know, I just get that way when overwhelmed. Gosh, the cruise feels forever and a day ago. Truth be told, it felt ages ago about a week after the fact. But we went to Puerto Rico, St. Maarten, and Haiti. Tons of fun. Everyone should take a cruise if they can; perfectly carefree. Now I'm back here and anxious, but such is life, for me, anyway. We've got another month and a half before Thanksgiving now here; not sure what I'm doing. I won't be taking any time off; I nearly took a year's worth of vacation time in one month this summer! What I do, I sort of fell into it after college. I wanted to do something journalistic, and this was the first chance I got. It propelled me into the real world quickly, but it worked out pretty well. I didn't really study science hard in school, and I'm regretting that now. The bio class I'm taking now moves pretty quickly, but I'm trying to keep up. I have to do a paper for it, and one of the suggested topics was drug resistance mutations, and I think I'm going to write about that. I haven't done a lot of research on it yet, but I'll let you know what I come up with. I'm debating my future, whether to stay with this job or to find something more suited to my other interests later on (I would love to work for something in entertainment, though that would be pretty stressful; something in a more soft-science journal would be good, too, and probably more realistic). By the way, what did you study in school? (I apologize if I asked and you answered already; the synapses in my brain don't seem to be working full-blast right now.)

Great news about you and Sunny! I'm thrilled to hear things are on the up. There's certainly more to life than any one thing; life is too complicated to be condensed to any one problematic situation, no matter how hard it can be to open our eyes to that. So you see each other more often now? Do you guys have any plans on the horizon? Are you going to do anything you might not have gotten a chance to do lately (camping, e.g.)? If it's possible, it would be nice to get away for a bit, even just a weekend retreat. Random thought: I'm agonizing over my fantasy NBA (basketball) team; this is the first time I've done it, my brother signed me up, and he knows much more about the league than I do, so I'm always calling him about it. Do you guys have anything like that there? By the way, is there anything movie-wise you could recommend? I feel pretty bored with most media at the moment. I'm actually re-watching the BBC version of The Office; infinitely more brilliant than the US version, I think. Did you ever watch My Hero, by the way? I used to watch it on BBC America, and though it was corny and farcical, I found it hilarious. I wonder what Ardal O'Hanlon's up to now... but anyway. And as for drinking, yeah, I understand how that goes. Probably not the best thing for you, no, but nursing a drink for a while might be a good way to still enjoy the fun without fully going all the way. Or order a drink that you're only quite fond of so you can't drink it too quickly. Just some ideas... given my way-too-unhealthy appetite, I'm not really one to talk about moderation, but you know, I'm going to take your habits as inspiration and try. I do a lot of walking, but I'm going to work out more strenuously and eat better. What's a good food to snack on that's filling but healthy? Incidentally, according to a quick internet search (for what that's worth), kiwi fruit is the most nutrient-dense fruit. Anyway, can't wait to hear from you. Be well and, I don't think I said it recently, but it still holds true, you're in my prayers :) -TL

Hiya, hope you are ok. All is well with me. Me and Sunny are taking it slowly. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves all of a sudden and were in mad rush that everything we wanted to do we wanted to do now.Its winter here, its not so bad, but I work for a heating company and ny god, now we get the moaners talking about how ill they are because of their central heating not working.

Science is sooo interesting and I just love it all. It fascinates me-Physics and Biology the most, just how the world and how our bodies work is quite amazing. An dthis whole evolution thing just astounds me- I am not a dummy but it just really is difficult to get my head round it.

Can I just say that I love reading your messages- you are very articulate and I swear I know we're talking about mundane things, but it is beautifully written. I looka t what I write to you and think that you must think how unsophisticated what I am saying is!

Its my birthday this Saturday, so going to be spending it with my friends, dancing and making a fool of myself.

I read some quite uplifting news in a magazine recently that if diagnosed HIV-Positive in your twenties, your life expectancy is still 39years on from that on average.So, I would be looking at 61. So although that is quite young, I dont feel so panicky now.

We dont have a fantasy NBA team, but we do something similar with our football (soccer) teams and it gets quite involved and you can win lots of money. But its not really my thing.

I think I will have to stop drinking altogether, I have tried the slowly approach as suggested, but I have no willpower, so I think I may have to change my interests (basically going out and getting drunk!)

Surprisingly, eggs are very good for you, and although they have cholestrol, it is of the good kind, and eggs are tasty (well, I think so)

Bananas are brilliant. Full of everything,easy to eat and taste nice.

Dark chocolate but some people dont like the bitter taste.

I could go on about food, so I'll stop here.

Well, I am going to love you and leave you, but in my next post, I should have the results from my bloods, which should be ok, I feel fine and I have been looking after myself.

I have also become addicted to social networking sites!

Angie x

Glad to hear you’re feeling well and keeping fit. My excuse for not doing so myself is that I’ve been too busy to exercise, but that’s all it is, an excuse. I have a terrible sweet tooth, and I need to do something about it. I need to get rid of soda (regular or diet), ice cream, and anything that’s more than 25% chocolate. Outside of that, I don’t eat red meat and I’m thinking of going vegetarian (I’m debating whether I think that accomplishes anything morally/ethically/realistically). I would replace meat with tofu and, as you mentioned, eggs, most likely. I like bananas a lot, and I like jicama, although I’m reading that it’s nearly devoid of nutrients, sadly. I’ve seen jicama packaged with lime wedges, and each wedge probably has more value than the jicama! And from Wikipedia, I just learned about the “Chew the Lime” drinking game that is supposedly big in England. Is that for real? It sounds pretty innocuous compared to a lot of games that involve alcohol, though. Okay, now I’m rambling about food, so I’ll stop there. Sure, the food discussion can be called mundane, but food is the great equalizer, is it not?

I agree, science is fascinating! Evolution is a stunner, to be sure. It makes so much sense, and yet at the same time, the scope of it is enormous! I actually am just wrapping my head around things I think I ought to have learned at a younger age. For example, did you know that the sole genetic criterion for being female is having 2 or more X chromosomes? The Y chromosome is completely immaterial to gender. One can have XXY and still be female (albeit with a genetic disorder). My class is presently reviewing nucleotides and how scientists standardized their notation. Life is so unbelievably complex. The human body’s ability to function and thrive in spite of all the microbiological, macrobiological, emotional, and other obstacles is incredible.

And happy belated birthday! I hope you had loads of fun! What did you end up doing/where did you end up going? Did you play “Chew the Lime”? :) I can only imagine, from as fun a person as you sound, a wonderful time was had by all.

And I thank you for your comments on my writing, but I most definitely do think down on you or anyone for their mode of expression. In fact, the way I talk/write actually hampers my communication sometimes, because I will want to say something but draw a blank on the word I mean and then use an overly complicated word as a replacement, leading the other person to furrow their brow and suggest the word I really mean, after which I sheepishly admit that they are correct. :) Having said that, I grew up wanting to be a writer, and I still occasionally write poems. I just wrote one called “Life Is a Miracle” that I would like to try to enter into a contest or two, but it is longer than the standard length for most of the competitions I am looking at. I used to write longer forms, like plays, and I am trying to re-discipline myself, because I can’t seem to concentrate for very long on any “projects” longer than a page or two. Do you write at all? It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to imagine you would (and would well).

Before I go, I just wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking about organizing some sort of AIDS fundraiser to go towards vaccine research. It’s great, some of the organizations have systems so you can set up your own website to enable online donations directly to them. I seem to remember (probably from a TV show) that if you independently organize a fundraiser, a lot of paperwork has to be filled out, but I think this would bypass the paperwork. Anyway, please let me know how you’re doing, how Sunny’s doing, if your job is treating you any better, and especially how your results came back. Thinking of you,

-TL

Hey, hope you're well and the winter is treating you okay. How have you and Sunny been? How did your bloods go? Have you been doing anything special/are you doing anything special for the season?

Things have been weird here lately. I'm getting really stressed at work, to the point where I'm just tired and anxious after each day. With deadlines and some of my superiors out of the office, I've had a ton of slack to pick up. I'm thinking I'll need a change soon. My boyfriend and I have been talking and it looks like I'll start looking for jobs down there late spring. It'll be a huge change, but I can't let myself fear it or second-guess it.

I'm nearing completion on my HIV drug resistance mutations paper, and it looks like a mixed bag as far as the facts go. The virus mutates rapidly because when it replicates, it does not have the genetic/enzymatic "machinery" to ensure that it copied its genome correctly and fix it if it didn't (which is pretty essential in humans). Thus, it can mutate randomly, causing the various resistance mutations we see. That said, the different resistances can be "played off" each other. A certain mutation that causes resistance to thymidine analogs (e.g., AZT) is related to susceptibility to drugs such as tenofovir. A certain mutation related to tenofovir resistance is related to thymidine analog resistance. The virus can develop both of these mutations, and if it has both, it ends up being weaker to both drugs. This scenario is not a certainty, but it is a hopeful point. As well, scientists are studying the proteins besides reverse transcriptase in order related to adhesion to the T cells and attempting to alter these proteins so the virus cannot attach itself to these cells. Can't say for sure how far away we are from definitive treatment on these fronts, but they're definitely getting there.

Well, outside that, there's not much going on for me. I've not been as happy as I'd been lately, but I'm trying not to let things get to me. Staying positive is half the battle in life. I know we haven't discussed it in a while, but how are you feeling spiritually? I won't push the topic if you want, but it's important to me at least, and I'm curious what you think/how you feel. Incidentally, I've been reading about Jainism, an Eastern religion. A sect of it believes that only men can attain nirvana and that women must eventually be reborn as men for this to happen. Believe it or not, that sect happens to have a lot of female believers. To me, that's an amazing amount of faith, to follow a religion you cannot even "win" in directly after your lifetime or even after a few other lifetimes. Some people might laugh, but I find that kind of faith immensely respectable. I'd like to have that kind of strength. Seems our generation is characterized by doubt; I can't shake it, either, but I have to either fight it or force me to confront the tough questions to truly figure out what I believe. Okay, I'll put the soapbox away :)

Anyhow, I keep saying it, but it keeps staying true, that you're in my thoughts and prayers! -TL

Hey you! I have missed you (my own fault for not getting back to you).

Ohhh, why are you feeling down? Is it anything in particular? Maybe you are stressed out? Family? Dividing your time between friends, family and boyfriend?

My cd4 is dropped again to 339 and my viral load has gone up to the hundreds (cant remember the exact no.) but my doctor says its nothing I should worry about. I feel relatively healthy.

I had my smear (PAP) test and it showed some changes that could lead to cancer and obviously I am at more risk of it developing, so they removed them.

I have been drinking a lot less. When I go out I have 2 or 3 drinks then just stick to water (I prefer this, cos my main aim when I go out is to dance...badly...and the water keeps me hydrated and full of more energy)

Sunny is doing ok. I speak to him every now and again. His health is really good, and so is his mentality.

I feel ok spiritually. With the HIV, it doesn't so much get to me, its just that every little thing I worry about it now. I've had my flu and pneumonia jabs and tomorrow I have got my last Hep C jab. But like I have a lump in my leg (its only a boil) but I start panicking.

Im fine with HIV, I have accepted it and I was saying recemtly to some close friends that as weird or sad as this may seem I would rather be me, myself the person I am and have HIV than be someone else who doesn't have HIV.

I am feeling a little fed up with work. Just so unappreciated. I am saving up to go travelling in 2009, so that is something to look forward to.

Also, I am looking forward to xmas though its the same as every year, getting presents you already know you're going to get and people getting too drunk and end up being miserable.

In actual fact, I cant describe how I feel spiritually. In myself I feel happy, just frustrated with the world around me.

How are you?

Always thinking of you xxx

Hey, great to hear from you again! I have to start by saying that wanting to be who you are rather than anybody else is the best sign of stability and personal strength there is. There are plenty of other people who are millionaires and have everything in the world going for them who still envy and get caught up in wanting to change who they are and be somebody else. Ultimately, I suppose there are things about my life I’d like to change and traits I could improve, but I am happy with myself overall. I understand your health worries when things come up; I do the same thing, but the advice I always get is that if you have to worry, worry about the most you should do at that moment. If there’s nothing you can do, it’s not worth stressing yourself out. Whether at work, socially, physically, whatever, if there’s nothing you can ostensibly do in the present, it’s usually detrimental to spend more time worrying about it than you have to.

Also, kudos on cutting down the drinking! Well done to set the goal and achieve. I don’t even go dancing very often (though my friends have been trying to get me to go lately), partly because people who can dance who tried to teach me have called me a lost cause :). Do you go to any particular kind of club? Where are you thinking of traveling, by the way? A dream vacation you’d had in mind for a while? It should be nice to be able to save up time and money for an extended trip. How long are you thinking? And also, if I don’t get to say it again before it comes, have a great Xmas! Let me know how it goes.

Right now, I’m feeling better than I have been lately. There’s quite a bit of stress going on. At the moment, I am concerned about my work evaluation, which I won’t see for a while yet. Some of my superiors are really critical of me and I’m not sure how that will go. I’m a little less worried than I was, and I think I’m over the hump in the busy period we just had. I end up with these fluctuations where I’ll be overappreciated and then underappreciated, so I know what you mean. Unless you force it, work isn’t life, though. There’s always more to it. But yes, work is stressful to me now. That and the future, combining all the things you mentioned, has always been a point of anxiety for me. The reality is (and I hope you won’t feel I’ve deceived you by omitting this point until now) that I’m a guy, and so being the kind of guy that has a boyfriend complicates life. I suppose it says something that until now, I’ve even been hesitant to admit it in a situation with people I don’t know online (although obviously I know you now and you’ve been so kind). For the most part, the people in my life have been pretty good about it (e.g., the family members that know), but there are some family situations going on, and I really don’t think my telling those that don’t know would help matters. But as my boyfriend’s going to be away for a long time, I need to think about moving down there sooner than later. So I’m trying to work on telling them soon and prepare to find a job and move. Hopefully we’d eventually move back up here. It’ll be a huge change, but sometimes life calls for huge changes for happiness and growth.

Well, that’s my piece for now. Always a sincere joy to hear from you (and hoping to hear back soon), -TL

Well, well, well, I had no idea you were a guy, especially as you're sooo intelligent I thought you must be a girl! (Kidding!)

Ahh, I am sure you have probably told me before, and I think I have asked twice before, but what is your interest in HIV? You or your boyfriend dont have it, do you?

I dont go to any particular dance classes (I should, I need the help) but I am planning to take up some sort of a dance class like I dont mean to seem slutty or playboy wannabe but I want to dance like a pussycat doll or pole dancing, just cos it would be fun.

I want to do a round the world trip.

It will cost roughly £7000. I plan to go South America (obviously I know technically I am not allowed, but I am hoping they change the legislation on that) Thailand, Africa, India, China, Australia and New Zealnad. The cost includes insurance, accomadation and food and some excursion thingys, so I think its quite good value.

Merry xmas to you and have a good new year (I will)

Luv ya xxx

PS I dont know if it will let you have this but my email address is new_mcgee@yahoo.co.uk or if you are on Facebook, look up Angela McGee. I am the one in the Miss Santa outfit, its just I probably check into this like once a month.

Bye xxx
[This Message was Edited on 12/19/2007]