I don't really know what to do and I am feeling very hopeless, tired, worthless, you know, the whole shabang, and I am getting really sick of it. My therapist says that I am a passive suicidal or something like that. I would never try to kill myself, but if somehow I were to die at the hands of something other than myself, I wouldn't really mind or care. I hate researching about depression and I always end up feeling incredibly worthless after. It seems like most people have a legitimate reason to be depressed and I don’t. I have lived an incredibly blessed life. I’m twenty years old and have been given everything anyone could ask for. I’m going to a good school; I have opportunities at my fingertips. Despite all of this, I feel like for my entire life, the only thing that I have been good at is being depressed and crying. I guess, I feel like I don’t know exactly what I am living for; I am going to college because of my parents. It’s such a struggle for me to keep up. I got fired from my p/t job today because I couldn’t keep up and they said I have a bad attitude. All of which I know is correct. I went on a trip to Greece this summer through my school and all I did was cry. I told the teacher my circumstances; I was on new medication, suffering from posttraumatic stress from having my best friend rape me. It was a drama class and there was this exercise where someone had to touch me from the back and I broke down and cried. At the end of it she told me that I had a bad attitude and that I was bringing her down as well as the rest of the class. I wasted thousands of dollars to go to Greece and all I did was cry. I know I have a problem but sometimes I feel like it is my own personality. I have never been happy or cheery. I feel like I do all of this to myself. However, it feels so hard to overcome my feelings. I feel like I have been like this since I was a little kid. I really feel like I have nothing to live for and I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m just trying to find someone to talk to about all of this. Someone who’s not my therapist and who can actually relate to me. I could write so much more but I’m already exhausted from writing just this much. Sorry if none of this makes sense.

If you have PTSD, I would suggest that you visit this site dedicated to PTSD. ptsdforum.org It's a site for people that suffer from PTSD and for the people that care for them. It's a wonderful site, truly dedicated to helping people with PTSD. It helps, it works, and it has an endless world of information to help and guide you through the process.....

Welcome to the Board. Sorry to hear you are feeling so down.

I would like to suggest a new approach to you. Depression is difficult to
discuss for several reasons. One of them has to do with semantics.
You do not need a reason to be depressed. Depression is an illness.

Depression also means: I'm temporarily upset because my picnic got
rained out, but that, of course, is not what we are dealing with here.

Depression is an illness; the good news is that it is an illness that can be
treated. If you read my profile, you can see what I have tried and what has
helped me. Maybe some modalities you will want to try too.

I would like to suggest one more thing. Some of us on the board have vision
or cognitive problems. Using short paragraphs is helpful.

I know it's hard to fight back when we are depressed, but it's the only way
to get better. I was a depressed college student when I was your age. That
was half a century ago. There are now better meds and therapies. (When
I was a kid there were NO antidepressants.)

Good luck to you.

Rock

I would like to make a suggestion that you find a therapist who will support you AND knows how to deal specficially with PTSD. So many things come out of treating PTSD and as someone who had it and fought out of it and still fights some triggers, it takes a therapist who knows what they are doing to guide you and help you through it. PTSD caused me to have flashbacks in the therapist's office as we began to discuss certain issues. That therapist had to guide me out of the flashbacks and back into reality and it took my trust in the therapist to help me through.

PTSD also has some side issues where you may even start to develop agoraphobia, social anxiety, etc. and those are also issues a therapist who deals with PTSD will be aware of and will work with you.

I want the absolute best for you, and my personal opinion is that you are not getting that best right now. Many hugs.

Hi rainytoday...I read your post...I had dealings with a young girl who had been raped by two strangers...and her life was completely turned upside down...she became a completely different person...a lot of the things she said about herself you have said about you....
How were you, I mean before you were raped what type of person were you? This surely was addressed before...
We were having a group session when we openly discussed the young girl's situation...it was a few years ago...but I remember because she got it out in the open and it seemed to have changed her alot...
Who have you told about this rape? You seem to living the guilt over it when you had nothing to do with it? A big clue is in drama class when you broke down because someone touched you...have you really dealt with this rape? If so in what way...you don't have to answer to me but to yourself....
And no I am not really Dr Oz just like the name....

[This Message was Edited on 10/24/2009]

Hi RD,

My daughter was in a similar situation at your age. She was a very good student at a good school. Actually did a semester in France. When she returned she pretty quickly began to suffer from major depression. It was quite a struggle, but she got through. And her recurrent feeling was that she was a fake, really hadn't been a good student just able to memorize things etc etc. Essentially a complete lack of self esteem.
A few things that helped her. She did find a counselor at her school in addition to her therapest at home. Depression is not uncommon on college campuses so the counselor helped. I became very involved with her since it really wasn't safe for her to remain in her dorm. I am also a depressive so I could realate. I am certain that PTSD is a major factor in your depression. But is there a family history? Is it something a parent would be comfortable to talk about?
Lauren also did a lot of cognitive work. Not sure if you are familiar with that but Feeling Good by David Burns is a good start.
Good luck to you.

And I have to ask. Are you(not you RD) that DR OZ?