I am so fearful everyday. I am afraid to wake up and face another day. I am like the verse in Ecclesiastes a time to be born, a time to die etc but with each verse just substitute time with fear. I am afraid of the mail and commercials and SPAM. I am afraid to go out and afraid to be in. I check on my cat Sebastian more than 20 times a day and read into every little behavior that he is sick. I am sending out resumes but fear goes with them.

Everyone has written to be about positive self affirmations and self fulfilling prophecies. I don't understand. I never imagined my boyfriend would have a heart attack and die or my cat would get so sick or my financial situation would get even worse or that my BF's family would be so mean to me. Only a truly insane person would wish so much bad on themselves. I was depressed before all this happened and it is as if fate has said tio me I will give you some things to really be depressed about. The only time I feel okay is that millisecond I wakeup in the morning before the realization of what happens sinks in and the it hits my stomach all day until that next millisecond the next day.

I am trying here but it is too hard. I am afraid to do things and afraid not to. I need a job but my mental health is so bad I can't even function as it is. I am going to the bereavement support group this Tuesday but I am afraid that other people's sad stories will make me feel even worse. I don't know what to do about this fear. After all I have been through, all I do is worry. Most people worry, that doesn't mean they are wishing bad things to happen to them. Does anyone else have this overwhelming sense of dread? How can I possibly help but feel this way. My life is truly sad.

QP

You must go to the grief group on Tuesday and you ABSOLUTELY cannot talk yourself out of it. You need that group. Your situation is getting more dire and they will not make you more sad. I hope they give you a reality check.

Let's look at things realistically and be truthful.

--Every living thing eventually expires, some sooner than others. Your boyfriend passed on due to medical conditions. Perhaps if he had gotten more medical care he might have not passed on. It was his choice to not get the medical care just as it was his choice to incur the debts. But it had nothing to do with you and you could not have done anything to stop it. John Ritter, the movie star, had a medical condition and with all his money and connections nothing could help him and he passed on too leaving a wife and children behind.

--As far as his family treating you poorly, don't talk to them any more. I think everyone here pretty well told you that. You don't have to set yourself up as a victim for them, so don't. Break off the conversation with them and eventually they will pick up that you are not dealing with them. You have the right to tell them NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU CALLING ME AGAIN and hanging up the phone. If your boyfriend wasn't dealing with them, why do you think you have to. Since when are you the sacrifical goat, unless you want to be. It's your decision and it takes hanging up the phone and closing your door if they show up. They'll get the message and you owe them nothing. My phone has call blocking where I can block any caller and the caller will get the message that "the recipient of your call has blocked calls from you."

--Your boyfriend would be so unhappy to see you like this. He also wouldn't want you dead to be with him as truthfully there are many beliefs. No one knows absolutely 100 percent for sure what really happens when we die. My Dad believes we are reincarnated and he wants to be reincarnated as one of my animals so he gets to live like a king.

Your boyfriend would want you to honor him and your relationship with him by trying to thrive. If your relationship with him was good and strong, it should have made you want to be a better person, a stronger person, inspired you, and made you someone who would not give in and give up. Otherwise, maybe you didn't have the great relationship you thought you had. Was it more of a one-way relationship where you leaned on him just to get you through. While you were with him you always posted here everything was so bad so it was as if your relationship didn't change that and wasn't such a great relationship. You never indicated he touched your life so much and how wonderful your life was due to knowing him. You only posted how bad everything was. So maybe you have to look at things more truthful and not from some rosey viewpoint that may be built up on a pedestal to make it look good.

--Domestic animals typically have a shorter life span. This means that they will last a much shorter time than humans will. Which is why we may have many animals during our life time. It hurts terribly when they do pass. But don't have animals if you are living just to fear they will die as that is no life for us or them. They deserve better than that. They deserve to have someone celebrate them and their life every day.

When my wonderful cat Zorro (I helped her mom give birth to her) at about age 15 was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the facial bones, her and I didn't spend her remaining time in agony and crying, but she ate anything and everything and we rejoiced and lived large. She died in 1984 and I had no regrets of how her and I lived her life, but it was painful when she died. Because of the impact she made on me, I didn't have another cat until Cesar and Shelby came along the end of 2003.

So instead of worrying about Sea Bass and imagining him sick and dying, live large with him now so when his time comes, you will have no regrets like the regrets you have with your boyfriend.

Sadly, Cesar the cat suddenly became allergic to anesthesia two years ago and nearly died, which means if the vet puts him under anesthesia again he will die. I know that if he has to have surgery we have a HUGE PROBLEM because they cannot knock him out with anesthesia. But I can't cut back his good times, and him and I will live large for now and sweat the big stuff when the time comes. We have to live good for now as he deserves it so much as he's fantastic.

I feel that regrets take a toll on our soul and our heart. Regrets are things that you didn't do because you were too lazy to do, or were too busy to do, or never got around to doing, and eventually time caught up and you could no longer do those things and now you suffer with regrets. It's not worth the suffering so you do things so you don't have the regrets later.

You're shutting down and unable to do anything. You MUST push yourself and force yourself because you have two cats you are living with and supporting. If you don't get a job, you may end up unable to keep your cats or help your cats if they need vet care and you will have regrets. Your cats MUST be a priority over the grieving and this severe suffering you are doing. Slap yourself and realize you do not have the luxury of walling yourself off and doing nothing because truthfully you are not rich and instead you are poor and have to work. You have to get back to work quickly and the cats deserve you not running around the house with all this fear--and they can sense fear.

I gave you some resources and you want to call the NAMI one and try to get help. Some county mental health services offer free therapists and free medication through their own psychiatrist. You need professional help and I hope you will seek it out. You can't expect your brother to pay all the bills.

I did love my boyfriend very much. I always posted how bad I felt because of my depression. I was always happy when I was with him. Maybe it was one sided since I was always so depressed I didn't see the warning signs that maybe he was not well or in trouble financially. But he was in excellent shape, worked out, took vitamins, ate right. People would comment how he looked the picture of health. The money problems, he never let on about and in fact would spend money on mere acquaintances. He did make me a better person in how I treat other people and that I am a nice person. He didn't make me depressed. Life in general did. People always said how happy we were together. We were soulmates.

I have lost pets before. I am sorry about Zorro. I always knew that pets have shorter lives and I always had one. After my Mom died my cat Lily got sick and I spent a lot of money on vet bills then too but had her 7 more months. I remember enjoying her all that summer. The difference here is I lost my Stephen and he was there through all the other bad stuff and was my rock. I don't know but I did love him and he did make my life better and others too. A friend of mine's husband is severely depressed and they went to counseling together and he said to the counseler my wife is not the cause of my depression and that's how I feel.

I am trying not to ask my brother for anything but now I am in such dire straits that is why I want to get a job so bad. Maybe I should have anticipated money problems but a lot of people are in the same boat. I have been looking for work even before this but due to my depression it has been haphazard and I do have my seasonal job. I have worked at some that were really bad in between. I have 3 cats to support and my nightmare is they all get sick at once. I blame myself for Sebastian getting sick because I was so upset after losing my BF.

The job market is not good out there and it hasn't been for some time. It just all seems so hopeless. I am going to the bereavement group for sure and I will look into NAMI and all. I was sending out so many resumes today my back hurts. I feel a bit better with your post but still, this is not my fault. I could have never foreseen this bad a life. It is just too much to bear and my cats are the only thing getting me thru besides not wanting to be a burden on my brother. There are a lot of other things that have gone wrong that I don't think I had mentioned too. I am just so afraid because I think one more thing will send me over the edge.

QP

we cannot COUNT on someone else for our happiness. We have to make our own, positive people coming into our lives is the icing on the cake. We all have to make our cake of life.

[This Message was Edited on 10/16/2009]

Maybe we can't count on someone to make us happy but so many people posted under the topic of Happiness is... that it is their children or grandchildren or someone that makes them happy. I did depend on my BF too much for my own happiness. I will admit that but he did make me happy. My neighbor warned me years ago that I depend on him too much to be happy and she was right so I tried to develop friendships with other women. I would see my girlfriends every so often but I couldn't wait to leave them to see him. Even most of my clothes were chosen by what he would like and maybe all that was wrong but so many people do that. I have never been happy because of many reasons, mostly beacsue of sick parents. I am not strong enough to stay positive in the midst of illness and turmoil. I wish I could. I grabbed at the chance at a little bit of happiness with him. I don't think that was so wrong.

QP

is start to pick up the pieces, one by one, and work on our lives...if we choose to. Otherwise, well you know. I can't help but think you are pretty young person and have a lot of years ahead of you. It's your choice. Slowly but surely. jam

PS: I've seen it so much in my lifetime how women especially lose themselves in a man. The man controls their life. For a while it feels OK, I guess, and then it just becomes a form of control and the woman does not learn to fly on her own wings. THis happened to my daughter in her marriage and now they are divored and she's picking up the pieces and finding herself again, only stronger. I was there too come to think of it. He called all the decisions....

[This Message was Edited on 10/17/2009]

People say Happiness is their family, or my cats, etc. That is true but not in the way you think--that you have to obtain your happiness from them. See, you don't RELY on them for your happiness. Your happiness ultimately comes from within you.

If I am so depressed, my cats are not running around and are not playing and that makes me realize how they sense my emotions and I negatively impact them. So I pick myself up and work my tools from the therapist. I do meditate to find happiness within and I contemplate that I'm grateful for having a roof over my head as many don't, for having food to eat, being so free at last from physical and mental abuse from my mom (this is huge for me), and the biggest blessing is having these great cats that have wonderful personalities. I contemplate that my life does not require mansions, Bentley cars, men, and diamonds for me to be happy. Although I am poor, I have that amazing power within me of happiness and each of us has that power.

I am so happy for my cats, and then they play and have fun. Them chasing each other, running up their carpeted cat trees and Cesar doing his funny "fur fluffed out, arched back, jump three times to the side" invitation to Shelby to play, is hysterical because Cesar has no agility or grace. This is the stuff that makes me laugh so hard. Just like those fantastic birds out front that sing so well like they are singing opera and the hummingbird that arrives to the screen door to see Cesar. I just don't rely on them for my happiness, but I love the wonderful things that my cats do and that the birds choose to sing in the bushes right in front of my windows. I love the beautiful flower blooms on the bushes here and I can go by in my scooter and it's like the blooms almost wave hello to me.

I love Lennie the Lizard (a Gecko lizard) and his wife that live on my patio. I get a smile every time I see them and I am happy they are living there and feel comfortable and safe there. They climb the concrete patio wall and stay there and raise their head while I am there in my scooter and talk to them.

That's the difference between relying on someone for your happiness and finding happiness in something or someone.

I really am. Right now all the memories of my BF are bad because of finding him and all the bad stuff since but maybe someday the memories will be happy. I had boyfriends in the past who tried to control me. They wouldn't want me to see friends, but with Stephn I would rather be with him anyway. I guess I wasn't real independent as I should have been but it seems like he just wanted to please me. I was busy taking care of my Mom too early on.

It will take me a while to get where you are TwoCats and find joy in so many things. I do smile when my cats play or run or meow for a treat. And I do try to keep it together for them because like I said when I did break down, Sebastian got upset and the others would stare too. I still like birds and flowers. My neighbor sent me photos of the flowers in my own garden and they were so pretty.

I guess I have never really been happy because the big problems seem to overshadow the little bits of joy. I was realizing this right before my BF died. I thought I am depressed but I was becoming grateful not just for him but for more. It is like I found out the secret and it was crushed. And so many people commented how happy we were together. I don't need a lot of money or fancy jewelry either but right now I need to get a job to pay the vet bills. I also drove with the emergency brake on when he died and I have to anticipate getting brakes and a million other things.

I don't know when I can get where you are. I hope I can but I was depressed before this. My neighbor said to be grateful I had love and I am but even when I had it I wished I would have met him sooner or my Mother was not sick. It was always something. I don't think I will be there for a while. That is why I am so gung ho on getting another job. When my Mom died I worked 2 jobs and it helped but I had my BF. I think I will concentrate on that right now and hope the rest will come later.

QP

I haven't been to the board in a while, not a frequent visitor but I do remember you having stress related to work and talking about your boyfriend. I read that he passed away and found that very upsetting. You were going through so much already:(
I know sometimes it just seems that life won't let up; it's just one thing after another. No breaks. His passing will at least get easier with time, as with any loss.

Feeling panicky really sucks. I keep getting those bouts, too. Although anxiety seems to go away when I get into a type of depression where I just don't CARE what happens anymore. When I feel destructive and careless, at least the fear disappears.
There must be a way be carefree and unafraid, but not because of depression.
Well I don't have much energy and need to get off the net. I admire you for coming here and opening up to everyone. Keep your hopes up and fighting this ugly thing called depression, and eventually things will get better for you gain

Thank ou Sara fo your kind words ad remembering how bad I fet in the past. I remembr feeling so depressed in the past about everything and never in a million years did I expevt thing to get even worse than I could have imagined. The pain is unbearable. It is 4 AM now and I wake up that time everyday with so much fear and anxiety. I remember anxiety in the past and it was no where near this level. It is hard to stay positve and calm down with all this going on.

I remember the depression where I did not care at all. It was bad but the anxiety was not there. I don't know which is worse. I remember not having the energy and not that I have it now but I wasn't in a constant state of fear. I wonder what bad thing is coming next. I am grateful for you and others on this board for helping me get through this. I always wished I could be of more help to others on this board but right now I need all the help I can get and his board is my lifeline to some sanity at this terrible time. If I could just conquer this fear even a bit then maybe thoose positiv thoughs would come. Thanks for posting when it sounds like you need the energy yourself.

QP

You have gotten more wonderful support and advice. Please stop telling yourself that your "fate" is for a terrible life. Believe me if you do, you will look at everything as a negative thing that has happened to YOU, as opposed as things that happen in life - like Twocats mentioned.

YOU cannot deal with this by yourself. Do you want to feel better? You have to get to a Dr. immediately. You take your cat to the Dr right? Well you need to give yourself the same care. Make payments if you have to. Do you at least have a Primary Care physician? They can prescribe something for your anxiety to help you cope short term til you can get into some counseling.
If nothing changes, nothing will change.

No one is denying that you have faced some very sad and trying times. The past in no way dictates your future however. You have to get to a place though mentally that you can realize that - so pleeeease take the steps to see someone. Don't use money as an excuse. Twocats gave you several resources. I think if you called around in your city and told them your situation someone would help you - even talking to your Dr. I'm sure he/she could refer you to someone - but don't wait.
You're scared right now - scared of more loss, of turning a corner and having something else go wrong. Talking to someone will help you realize things are not happening to YOU, but happen to everyone, and will help you with some coping skills.

MY personal beliefs are that no one's life's FATE is to have an awful life.

Will you please get to a Dr.?

OK girl, it's Monday and we have a new week ahead of us. I have been so incredibly overwhelmed with everything in my life, that I've been frozen and unable to do anything. I know that if I don't force myself to get moving and get some things accomplished around here, I'll just feel worse. None of it will ever go away, just more sh!t piles up day after day.

So, you and I both need to set some goals for ourselves. You're doing great with sending out your resume, are you snail mailing or emailing them? I really need to get a part time job, but it scares me to death because I don't know if I could handle working (mentally or physically). Our money issues are the worst we have ever experienced in our 25 yrs together. I feel so guilty and worthless for not contributing any income. Even tho my dh doesn't expect me to work, I still beat myself up over it. It's bad right now, we're in the negative every month!

You've gotten some good replies from our friends here. I know how hard it is to change a negative mindset, cuz that's what I deal with everyday. Dread is ALWAYS weighing me down and I wish I could find a way to kick it out of my life (and yours). It's like a curse that I've been burdened with that sucks the life out of me.

Some days are better than others, so let's make this a good day and appreciate the good in our lives, no matter how small!

I'm going to somehow do some laundry and housework and make it enjoyable...I think I'll get out my iPod and listen to some happy music. I'm here alone til the kids get home from school, so I need to enjoy every minute of this peaceful environment. Just me and the critters...and the vacuum, and the washer and dryer!:)

Let me know how you're doing. Chin up QP, you deserve some peace and happiness.

xoxo Hermit

I went to the grief support grup and although most of the people were older than me, what we are going through is the same. So many have lost weight and forcethemselvesto eat and feel that heavy heartedness I feel. Even though some of the advice is what I have read, somehow coming from a counseler who has been through it puts it in a nother light and there was alot of other things I learned. A neighbor was there who I knew had lost her husband about a month before I lost my BF. I said I wish we didn't have to get together like this and she said I wish we were waving to you on one of your walks.

I am considering the doctor Jamin, but Sebastian's illness was unexpected and threw me in a tailspin with finances that were not good to begin with. One of my things to do is to look into TwoCats suggestions more thoroughly. It is hard to be positive when I have nothing but bad happen. Just the other day I was upset because my other cat Buster was sneezing. My neighbor said he looks fine. Then he sat on my laptop that I left open when I couldn't sleep and some keys would not work. It took all day to fix but I was upset that it was broke and another bad thing. But I fixed it and if anyone has a similar problem let me know although it is hard to get online without all your keys.

HL. I feel as if we two are so much alike. It is hard to move and even harder to avoid the dread. I am forced to do some things everyday and tomorrow I am going to a Job Fair. The house is a mess and I will try and do some work here. I am emailing resumes. Some companies said they don't even accept snail mail ones any more. I know how you feel about getting a job. I am trying but it is so hard when you have all this to deal with too. At least I did my classes on line for my other job but I need to get a better one and both for a while. I did that when my Mom died, worked 2 jobs and it helped but I had Stephen also who had lost his Mom and we were together in our sorrow. Thanks for your support. You deserve peace and happiness too.

I wish I could say I have better days but they all sort of merge together into one big unhappy lump. I am up at 4 everyday and I even had a nightmare last night that I woke up yelling. I don't remember what it was about but strange people were threatening me. This is all a nightmare when I am awake. All I ask is for a bit of good to help me through the bad. Isn't that what we all need is a bit of hope?

QP

and it's OK that the people there were older than you...I've learned so much from my much older friends...they have years and years of Wisdom with life...and we can learn from them.

They are a gift.

Yes, get to the doc and get everything checked out...thyroid, Vit D, adrenals, female hormones...everything.

The thing is when I first went in the support group and most of the people were older I felt funny but it wasn't long before I realized we were all the same. We had the same feelings and emotion and pain and I felt so bad for everyone there even though I am in terrific pain myself. I didn't feel as if there were any age difference at all. I used to think that older people were somewhat hardened by the travails of life but they aren't. Maybe because my Mom was so strong in that way but maybe she did it for me because I am so weak.

I am still so afraid. Today I kind of lost it. I got a reply from a temp agency to schedule an appointment and I just lost it and became so scared that I couldn't do it. I sent a resume 2 weeks ago and was glad to hear from them but then I just panicked. I have to call on Monday. Usually I like to get things over with but I was so nervuos and afraid.

My girlfriend and her husband invited me to go out to breakfast with them tomorrow and I am afraid of that. I told her how I felt and she said that is normal and I cuold always cancel but I am going to go. This haevy heart is too much. The fear is bad. I am trying but it is too hard and too painful. If only something good would happen to give me cuorage.

QP

Please try make yorself go..the more you keep away from people the more it becomes a habit...

about the resume, believe me you are braver than i....i cant imagine giving in a resume...dont
have any qualifications now..never worked for 20 odd years now...i do think about how im
wasting my life away...while all of my girlfriends work and are progressing..while my brain just
gets rustier and rustier and i become more and more afraid to even try. You have those
wonderful brains which allow you to do a specific job like accounting...something which sends
jitters up my spine, (I am so bad at math). Just thnk of the way you have worked all this
time and been an asset to your workplace, your work mates used to be fond of you..that
doesnt happen if you were doing something wrong. Keep holding that positive image in your
mind and let it swamp the other dismal images which come up.

Really really try out the relaxing exercises because you do seem wound up more than anything
else...lots of stress does that to you....in India, they take stress really seriously, i think here
in Nepal too. I once went to search for a yoga place, and it took me to a place where there
was this roomful of people just laughing and guffawing...they call it laughter therapy..they do
nothing but laugh in great roars...after their normal exercises...old women, young men, old men
young girls, all of them laughing uproariously....i get it now..although at that time i wondered.
There were these neighbouring buildings and when i asked about the sounds they were sarcastic and said 'oh, theyre mad'. They were NOT mad. They knew. That stress is bad and were adopting ways of getting rid of it.

Its so encouraging to hear you went to the support group; pls continue..it is good to interact
with other people, being as how we live in a social world...slowly as you vent and see how
youre not the only one, your grief will lessen.

Sometimes i get mad when things keep happening to pull me down,and I tell myself, I deserve to be happy too. You must do that. Believe that. because its true. You deserve it.

Have to go now...piles of chores awaiting

pls keep us updated..ive always been thinkingof and prayng for you...surely the good times
will come..surely the good things will happen..but you have to say it to yourself, repeat it
all the time...

God Bless

Thank You Softhart for your kind words and belief in some sort of light at the end of the tunnel for me and for you. I am sorry about your sister. I can't imagine 32 years without someone you love. I miss Stephen so much and can't imagine it will ever get easier. There are so many other things going on that just complicates the healing process so much more and that is why I am so afraid. I will email you and Thank You for the support.

SW. I am not brave and I am not successful. I am not even an accountant. I wish I were then it would be easier to get a job. My work record is spotty at best. I worked at jobs that I could take time off to care for my Mother. Also my depression has kept me back so much and now I am in a position that I really need a job and all this has happened on top of the depression I already have. I really have no qualifications. My coworkers always did like me but every job I had they could never see my talents, maybe because they are not so good anyway.

I don't think I can ever laugh like those people. I've seen classes like that on TV. My BF would always make me laugh. Sometimes his jokes were so lame people would groan. Right now my stress relief is almost non existent. Everyday is a worry. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I feel like you do that I deserve to be happy. I am realizing now that my BF made me happy but I was too depressed to see it till all this happened. I try to stay positive but it is so hard when all the bad things come crashing around you. Thank You for your prayers and the belief that good things will happen or like Softhart says the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel bad again today but I am helped by your support and prayers.

I am going to Church soon and will pray for you and Softhart and others on this board along with myself. At first I found a lot of comfort in prayer and I really do believe but it seems like I am not being given the strength I really need. I hope God understands that it is me and not him and how much I need some Divine intervention right now to hold me up.

QP