What would you do if you were in this position??

At the local depression support group, this lady always sat next to me and was very friendly, always talking to me. One day she gave me her phone number and e-mail address and asked for mine. She said that if she couldn’t make it to the group, she would call me and let me know so I could tell the group. She started e-mailing me funny things and sometimes telling me how she was doing. She would call me if she couldn't make it to the group or be late and I would relay that to the group.

Out of the blue she began calling me one night every week and would be on the phone for 30-45 minutes just talking about her day at work. I couldn’t understand what was happening. Typically I stay off the phone at night and just let easy going TV shows mush out my brain and then I’m ready to go to sleep---that’s how I ease my stress.

I couldn’t let it go on and the last night I spoke with her she let it slip that she has a person for every night of the week night that she calls because she has anxiety when she arrives home (she’s married with a husband) and it’s the only way she can relax for the evening. But being on the phone at night winds me up and it doesn’t help me relax and I can’t be her means of relieving anxiety every week.

I had been going to talk to her, but when I found out what she was doing I was a bit upset because she didn’t tell me at the beginning what she was up to and give me the choice instead of making me an unwilling participant. Plus she knows I’m dealing with stress and didn’t consider me at all. I told her I couldn’t help her any more by phone, but she was free to e-mail me when she wanted.

I got an e-mail from her telling me that as soon as I’m over my stress, call her because she needs to talk to someone on the phone every week to get rid of her anxiety. I felt like she really didn’t listen to me so I e-mailed her and told her I am off the phone permanently, but she’s free to e-mail me.

I haven’t heard from her in more than a month by phone or by e-mail and we’re in the same local depression group. I guess that she wasn't a friend after all and was just recruiting people for her "nightly call list."

How would you handle it? Just say HI when I see her in the group, or do you think I should drop her an e-mail to see how she’s doing?


<br><br>[<i>This Message was Edited on 11/05/2009</i>] <br><br>[<i>This Message was Edited on 11/05/2009</i>]

[This Message was Edited on 11/16/2009]

It's very nice of you to want to drop her a line in an email, but do you think that will start the phone calls? if so, I would talk to her at your support group, being totally normal and asking how she's doing.

If you want to email her, I'd ask her how she's doing and reiterate that you're sorry that you're not available in the evenings etc. for phone calls.....blah blah blah but that you hope she's doing well.

If she hasn't emailed you - you're right, you were serving a purpose for her, which many people do seek from others - normal, but can certainly feel like we're being used.

I had a friend that I could NOT handle talking to anymore because I was her "counselor" - and it went on and on and on. Never ever talked about my life, which was okay because I really didn't want to give her many details, but man did she exhaust and drain me.

I know you and you're a kind person. Saying hi and being friendly at the support group is probably enough if you think an email will spark phone calls etc.
If she "needs" you, do you think she would email you - or are you thinking she's upset?

janalynn

Generally I cringe when I hear the phone ring. I've gotten to where it really bothers me when people call and just want to talk.

Sounds like you did fine by emailing her, that's what I'd probably do. Sometimes the written word is much more effective...especially when it's a person who is very talkative about their own life. They don't seem to listen...just talk.

I find it odd that she would actually schedule you for a weekly call. Kind of sad I guess. She must really need help, but it''s not your job to be on call. Shrinks make good money for that kind of service! Maybe tell her you'll have to start charging $100 an hour, that's what my last therapist charged!! Just kidding.

I have a SIL like this, she talks so fast and about so many detailed experiences in her life...I could care less about most of the stuff she rattles on about. She's always been like that and probably always will.

She makes me tired and nervous just listening to her. She's so wrapped up in her own world that she doesn't even ask how things are in mine. Rude to say the least, especially being family.

When I've needed support, she's too wrapped up in her own world to even hear what I'm saying. Very aggravating!!

Oh geez, I'm doing the same thing........excuse me, I need to go slap myself.

Anyway, thank goodness for caller ID...the best modern convenience to come about in a long time:)

as far as I'm concerned. My "friends" know I don't talk after about 8PM. I definitely don't talk between 6-7PM as I have a couple fav shows I enjoy. Don't answer the phone if I don't feel like talking. jam

just the way it is.

Say hi in the group and let it be unless you want the phone calls and emails again.



Live Life Well
Butterflydream

I have a similar problem. I have friends that have been so supportive since my BF died and I really do need to talk to people but one friend keeps me on the phone 2 and 1/2 hours twice a week. She talks about herself and only asks a bit about me. She will go back to her childhood and talk about herself. When my BF was alive the phone calls were brief with long ones only once in a while. Since I spent all my time with him there wasn't hours to spare on the phone. I used to have a job where I talked on the phone all day. I have another friend I have just been in contact through email wo kept me on the phone 3 hours once. I think all this is excessive.

In your case I guess all you can do is be nice o her in the group. Right now I will ry and cut the 2 and 1/2 hours down but I don't know how since I try and my friend just goes on. Even when I say the cats are hungry. It's almost as if she needs to talk more than me.

QP

I was smack dab in the middle of this and thought being in the middle of it that sometimes you can't see clearly so I asked here on the Board. I'm really glad I did.

I had at first been inclined to drop her an e-mail, but after reading your responses, you are all SO RIGHT. It would have probably started the phone calls coming again and I don't want that. And since I have caller ID, I won't take her calls anyway.

I just thought after several months of meetings, that this lady wanted to be friends because she was a real friend and didn't want anything in return. That she hasn't e-mailed me makes me believe that she recruits "friends" only so she can phone them--once she can't phone them any more, she drops them and looks for new friends. I suspect my situation with her is not new, has happened before, and she just goes on looking for the next person to enlist for phoning.

It's a good lesson learned for me. Not to give my phone number out for a long time to a "new friend."

Two,
I know exactly where your coming from with the nite call things, when I get in my moods I don't want 2 talk 2 any1 including my mom who I love dearly. But every1 knows how I am now n if I don't answer means don't wanna talk. I agree with everyone else u handled it with grace n hey sometimes if people don't get the hint u just have 2 lay it out in black n white sometimes at least that's how I feel. Good luck n keep us updated.

Hugs,
Gina

This person has stopped coming to the local Depression support group. So the one leader talked to me if I knew why. I truthfully told the leader. I also added I like this lady, and I will respond to any e-mails she wants to send, but I won't talk to her on the phone any more and it's not a good idea for anyone to give this lady their phone number. This leader told me it wasn't a good way to handle her anxiety anyway.

So the one leader is calling this lady to talk to her about why she is not coming to the meetings anymore. I don't know if the lady will be truthful, or if she will return but I'm still not taking any phone calls from her if she decides to call.

This crazy lady e-mailed me a nice e-mail after a month asking me a question on a medication. I answered nicely and then went to bed. Later that night after I was asleep, the phone was ringing and woke me up, I looked at the caller ID AND IT WAS HER. I didn't answer it but I was really mad.

The next morning I had breakfast and then checked and she left me a message that she missed me and missed talking to me and knows she shouldn't be calling, but call her back or e-mail her. This woman has become a phone junkie to satisfy her anxiety and that doesn't work at all for me.

So I sat down at my phone and went through the directions to block her number from getting through on my phone. That means the next time she calls me, she will get the message that "your call is rejected- the recipient is not accepting your calls." Maybe that will get through to her.