Ever since CFS rendered me too ill to continue with my normal life, i find myself reflecting on things that i wish i had done, but didn't when i was healthy. I know i will never be able to return hardcore to the sports and outdoor physical activities that i used to participate in. Everything i do now is regulated, like light weight training to stay toned, low speed walking on the treadmill, etc. I've only been sick with CFS for 3 yrs, and i can't imagine how bad it must be for people with 10,20 or more years of being sick.

I find myself reflecting way too much on every single mistake I've made and every single mistreatment I've received from others. I become obsessed with it. I've heard others with severe CFS say this happens to them too.

I'm also very upset about no longer being able to work out like I once could or do the activities I once enjoyed.

Other than being treated like less than dirt from most people in my life, obsessively regretting and reminiscing is the 2nd most hellish part of CFS and FMS for me. Also, the worse I feel physically the more my mind gets stuck on the negativity in this world and directed at me and all the stupid, dumb stuff I've done as well.

I'm working on forgiving everybody and myself. This is the only way I've found solace from this mental torment.



[This Message was Edited on 11/05/2009]

Hello Six,

I understand!! I feel the same way too! I am one of the people who has been sick for 10 years (I was bedridden the first 2 and a half years; and very sick for 3 more after that-total of 5 years of my life completely lost, not able to do anything but go to the doctors!)...I know what you mean about the 'should haves'...I think it is because we can no longer 'advance' foward to do all of the things we wanted to accomplish like we used to! It is more like living in the present, and being forced to take 'one moment at a time'. Also, we have more time to 'reflect'. More 'down time' because of having to rest and pace.

I used to be VERY athletic as well!!! Anything from Aerobics, to bodybuilding, kickboxing, you name it! (I am female)Now I am able to do 'light workouts', mixed with 'light weights', for maybe 30 minutes at a time. I am so grateful for that! I had 5 years of not being able to walk one block!

Try not to think about the should haves; life changes; it is not our fault we are sick! I find that reading books takes my mind off of this thoughts! Otherwise they could drive one to depression! (who would not be depressed???)

Anyway, sorry to write a whole book......but I am sure everyone here feels the same way; you are unfortunately not alone!

Hang in there!
(((HUGS)))
DOVEL

I have regrets about some things in the past and I DO regret each day that I have CFS. For me though, it is more about mourning losses due to CFIDS. As dumb as this may sound I spent the first 2 or 3 years of this disease waiting to bounce back like I always had. I can remember waking up and waiting to see if the energy was back. When I would realize that it was going to be another down day I would tell myself that maybe tomorrow it will be different. It was denial I suppose. I thought if I rested enough I would get back to my old self. I am still waiting ?

When I think of the way it use to be it seems almost like a dream. My feet would hit the floor and it would be go, go, go until it was time to go to bed. I did not drink coffee, I did not need a wake up period, and I did not need anything to begin my day. A shower and it was time to take on the day. As I write this I feel my tears forming. What happened to that person I wonder. I was in school working part-time, raising my son and carrying a full load while getting use to living in the city when I contracted mono—I just did not know then that what I was so ill with. It seems odd to me that I was not diagnosed as I was in and out of student health services frequently during this period.

When my doctor diagnosed me with CFIDS a few years ago she told me that mono from the past had begun the process of the CFS. I told her that I had never had mono but she said my blood work said I did. When she described the symptoms of mono to me I realized almost immediately that I contracted it 1989 while in school. It was my quarter from hell—I had never been that sick before, or for so long, and I have never been that sick since. But I got better—I finished my master’s degree and went on to work for a few years. I had no idea that I carried with me some kind of ticking time bomb that would turn me into what I am today.

I am still trying to define who I am now all the while trying to figure out a way to back to the old me. Most days I do not allow myself to even hope such a thing could ever happen. I came to see that this is a futile pass time. I could write for days about all the losses in my life due to just being alive and due to this disease, write about all the things that I wanted to do that I most likely will never get to do because of CFIDS, write about how unfair it is and so much more but I know it will not change a thing. I will not feel better for having vented, cried, faced my fears, or any of it. After the storm, after the release, CFIDS is still there—there is no movement, no progress, and no change. I cannot cajole, will, or beg this illness into leaving. I cannot divorce it, reject it, deny it, fix it or make it go away.

I can no longer read much—visions issues, concentration issues, memory issues = more losses. I used to read many, many books in any given year. No social life to speak of—too tired, cannot follow through with plans = more loss. Needless to say there is so much more but in an odd way, at times, it does not matter much because I don’t have the energy to put into stressing about these things. On some level this amuses me. Not sure why.

I know that each and every person on this board struggles with all of these issues to varying degrees in their own different ways. And I know some days it seems like just too much to deal with. It is clear to me when I read various posts that some here have it much worse than I do and my heart goes out to them and I wonder how they do it. Some have it better and I am glad for their good fortune (although they may not feel so fortunate).

It is scary to me at times because I do not know where I am going. It is hard to go anywhere with CFIDS. I still hope for something better. But I continue to grieve.

Hi Dovel,
After you do light workouts, mixed with light weights, how do you feel afterwards ? For me, after any physical exertion, i am pretty much down for the next 3 days.

Yes, I feel like I will never be well again and that "I missed my chance" at
SO many things..

Every day of my life with CFS.. So many things I took so for granted..Thinking of regrets brings me to tears to many times.

Hugs,
gg

Yes this new Me with Cfs/Fibro and other illnesses is not easy :(

Do I have regrets? Sure I do!! I have never been known as one to beable to sit and relax....I have always been the Yes girl...Tiffanie Can U will U...Well Yes!!!

Sometimes Now I like to look back and be proud of my aclompishments in life...I look into the eyes of my children and that makes me smile :)

I do sometimes however wonder if I would have slowed down just a bit.....would I have some energy in reserves?? It breaks my heart that my youngest child has never known a Mommy that does not have such limits as I do now. As for my two older Children they did have a small taste of a healthier Mom.

For now all I can do is what I can when I can.

But Yes I Miss The Old ME!!!!

My Heart and thoughts are with U all!!!

but this was part of my personality prior to CFS as well. I tend to dwell not on the past but look to the future. I had three decades where I did almost everything that I wanted to within reason and have no complaints there.

Sure I grieved over my many losses with CFS. I did so especially during the first 2 years but at one point I made a conscious decision to do the best with the life I had. My parents told me that time would go on regardless of whether I was happy or sad, that I had the option to choose happiness or sadness, and wouldn't it be easier to pass the time happy rather than sad.

My other inspiration is the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' (which I highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it). In it, Tim Robbins' character is unfairly framed and must suffer imprisonment for decades. But he makes the best of it. The memorable line from his character is "Get busy living or get busy dying."

To me, regretting the past is a waste of what little energy I have. There are times when I feel down but I'm usually able to work through it and talk myself out.

Now, in the time I've been sick, I've not improved physically but have actually declined. However, I find myself much stronger psychologically than I was in the beginning. I feel lucky that I am relatively not as cognitively impaired as some others are with CFS.

We have a long ways to go but I do believe the ice is starting to crack and there is a lot of hope ahead.

sorry if this winds up posting extra times - computer is being wierd

Wow - I wound up writing a lot more than I thought I was going to - this thread got me thinking....anyway, I think I wound up writing this stuff more for my own benefit than for others, so if you don't feel like reading, that is totally ok (and if you do want to read it, I am ok with that, too)

I don't know if I would say that I have regrets so much, though, as unfinished business.....my life feels like unfinished business - I didn't get to live the life that I had planned and even if there winds up being a cure, it will be too late for some of those things

There are also certainly things in my past that I am not necessarily happy about, whether they are things that were done to me, ways that I reacted to those things, or things that I am completely responsible for myself, but I have made peace with them....and I don't really think that I would even change most of my life (pre-ME) if I could. All that has taken place has made me who I am, and I am mostly happy with the person I am. I am not happy with the fact that I am unable to use many of my talents and personality traits to help others and to enjoy my life now.....and I am not so thrilled that it took me until shortly before I got sick to really know, appreciate, and love myself

....there were a lot of yrs of self hatred, and it would have been nice to appreciate myself more for who I was, what I could do, what my body could do, even what I looked like -I know that sounds superficial, but I had an eating disorder for 20 yrs and not hating my appearance felt really good

.....the ironic thing is that I finally managed to overcome the eating disorder because I wanted so badly to be really healthy - I was running and doing other healthy things and actually really living despite the eating disorder and despite PTSD and depression, but I wanted to be completely healthy.....I finally got there, and then shortly after had a car accident, and then got mono, and ME/CFS, and had so little time to just enjoy liking my body and myself....and as to the whole redefining who I am now thing -I can totally relate - I had just really figured out who I was before getting sick, and I also did a great job of denial the first 3- 4 yrs of being sick - kept thinking I would wake up and be "me" again.....so the last 1 - 2 yrs have been a process of figuring out my identity all over.....what I am starting to realize, though, is that I am pretty much still "me" inside

(admittedly I'm not lovin the fact that so much of who I am is not as readily apparent to most of the world, bc even when I do manage to get out in the world and that is not often, I am not as verbally quick and expressive, and I am obviously not as physically able to do things....ironically, I didn't used to want the world to know the real me, bc I wasn't so sure of who she was and I didn't think she was that likable....now that I have learned who I am and have realized that I am likable and that it is also ok if not everyone does like me, and now that I want people to know who I am, I am far less capable of sharing myself with others)

getting back to regrets, though, I don't even really regret the eating issues, etc, in that they brought me to counseling and caused me to learn a lot about myself and about people and those things made me want to be a counselor.........so like I said, they made me who I am....the problem is that I never got to utilize all that.....going thru grad school, internship, etc with ME/CFS made me way way worse....I did finish and even did really well, but then I started a crash that has just gone on and on and on and on......and well, here I am, worse than ever

I am very, very happy that getting ME/CFS caused me to rely on God - I had always believed in Him, but had never really trusted Him with everything, and after getting sick I started to really give it all to Him and He has been there for me......my faith is so much stronger and as much as I hate, despite, loathe, detest this illness, I would never trade perfect health for my ultimate salvation if I had to choose..........I would really, really, really love to think that I have learned to lean on God and now He can heal me and I can have perfect health from here on out AND continue to trust Him with my life.....and I believe that it is even possible and I don't know the reasons why He has not chosen to do so, but I do trust Him.....and that, I think, is the reason why I do not have a lot of regrets and do have some peace (which is different from not being depressed....if you saw my recent post, I have been really depressed lately and I still am somewhat.....but I am more at peace than I used to be, even pre-ME)

Regret is dangerous.

We learn so much from any mistakes we may have made.

I look back and just simply MISS my former life. It could've been better, sure, but then it could have been worse. Overall I am very happy with it. It is my life now, with this illness, that I struggle with.